Shame Free and Safe: Discussing Sex and Sexual Behaviors with Children and Youth

I wrote a column, recently, for Out in SA magazine that focused on talking to your kids about sex. Talking to our own kids about sex is difficult enough. For those of us who work with children and youth in our professional lives, it can be even more difficult. And if you are one of those saints that works with and advocates for children and youth, you know that many of them have experienced traumatic events that have impacted their sexual development and sexual behaviors.

We see behaviors in kids that concern us or downright scare us. We see behaviors that we need to intervene on. We see behaviors that make us worry that the child/youth is a sexual predator who will not be able to maintain healthy boundaries and relationships as they move into adulthood.

I train clinicians and direct care staff about working with these behaviors, setting up safety plans, reacting to unsafe behaviors when they occur, helping clinicians treat these behaviors in order to encourage healthy development.  NCTSN has a great handout on sexual behaviors and how to have discussions with children and youth about the behaviors that concern us.

A big part of the handout (and my training) is discussing what normal behaviors are to begin with. A lot of what freaks us out is totally normal, it’s our reaction to it that poses the biggest risk to a child’s development.

Having strategies to manage all questions about sexuality, gender, and sexual behaviors in a proactive way is key. How this all works in different settings is addressed in a 2-3 hour training that I provide agencies. But some of the main ideas, taken from my training, that are shared here for you to consider in your own work environment.

·         Frame discussions in a way that doesn’t make presumptions about gender or sexual orientation. Use neutral pronouns (they) and terms (partner), giving children/youth space to articulate their identity.

·         Articulate an attitude that sexuality and sexual exploration (both solo and partnered) is normal and healthy, and how rules regarding sexual behavior are designed to promote safety and protect the boundaries and comfort level of others (as well as follow laws, rules, and guidelines in facilities).

·         Have an open door policy regarding sex. Provide a space that is shame-free and open to discussion.

·         Find ways for individuals to have private time for solo exploration. Normalize this experience in conversations (partnered versus solo sexual activity).

·         Teach consent and boundaries and model these behaviors in all your interactions.

·          If you mess up in that regard (or in ANY regard), apologize and correct. How we model taking responsibility for our actions will be the best teacher in showing children and youth how to do the same.

·         Approach trauma history and reactions as normal responses to abnormal events.

·         Frame questions about behaviors and experiences gently, normalizing these experiences, without asking why. (e.g. “Some people have….do you have any experience with that?”

·         Discuss how many behaviors are learned based on previous experiences which means that newer, safer behaviors can also be learned.

·         Reiterate that even children and youth with offense histories rarely go on to be adult offenders with treatment and support.

·         Remind children and youth that while their behavior makes sense, it is not permitted in their current environment. Remind them that they are accountable for their behavior.

·         Use a sexual safety plan to help articulate their rights and their boundaries (as well as the rights and boundaries of others) in their living environments.