Adulting

You know what’s utterly unfair? Not getting awards as we get older. No ribbons for best team player or exceptional effort after about age 11. And I call shenanigans. Successful adulting deserves some serious external validation (and not of the kind my former boss delivered by saying “I sign your paycheck, don’t I?”).

My 18 year old is living on her own, totally on her own, for the first time. No adultier adults to keep her in line. I know my dad is slipping her money, but other than that, she’s having to deal with Real Shit ™ for the first time. I get texts all the time of all the things she didn’t really pay attention to now slipping into her consciousness.

“Um, so how long to boil an egg?”
Put the eggs in the cold pot of water, bring the whole thing to a boil, turn off and cover and let it sit for 20 minutes.

“Holy SHIT, almond milk is FIVE BUCKS!”
Lactose free is cheaper than what you were used to me buying and you won’t get sick off that like you do regular milk.

“You know what sucks worse than going to work when you don’t feel good? Having to go to the grocery store after work when all you want to go is go home and cry.”
Word, child.

“I really, really, REALLY miss your cooking.”
That you made fun of your entire life for it being so healthy? Crap food ceases to be fun when it starts kicking your body’s ass, dunnit? Time to get a crockpot and start throwing some stuff together.

The essential message in these messages is “Adulting, amirite?” She’s wanting a gold star for getting her crap together….and don’t we all?

Here is my list of things we should all TOTALLY get adulating awards. Feel free to add your recommendations in the comments below!

1) Saying “Sure thing!” instead of “Fuck You!” anytime asked to do anything unreasonable or inane. Especially in a work-type situation.

2) Having stashed enough money in savings to cover the emergency vet bill for your asshole, elderly cat instead of buying the Burberry trench coat you really wanted.

3) Putting out the trash late at night when you remembered it gets picked up in the morning. Even when it is really, really cold. And raining.

4) Eating kale.

5) Getting the oil change BEFORE getting the pedicure.

6) Not leaving expletive-laden note under the windshield wiper of the fuckwit who can’t park in just ONE FUCKING SPACE in a parking lot. Even though the asshole deserves it.

7) Putting a bra back on at the end of the day when you’ve already gone home and taken it off when you realize you need to make a run to the store.

8) Folding and putting away the laundry rather than just wearing it out of the basket until the basket is empty and it’s time to rewash everything again.

9) Ironing. Anything. For any reason. Ever.

10) Proper self-care instead of cake-batter therapy.