How to Meditate on an Airplane

 1)      Try to get comfortable in the middle seat. Despite being barely adult sized, feel like you don’t have enough space to be comfortable. 

 2)      Oh. Maybe it’s because the guy sitting to your right doing a crossword puzzle book seems to have a space entitlement issue.

3)      Good time to mediate and practice discomfort. Thank you, space entitlement guy, for helping facilitate my growth.

4)      Now I feel smug and superior and centered. Go me. Breathe in. Focus on the breath.

5)      Try to ignore loud talkers in Swedish behind me. Seriously loud. Don’t they know airplanes are library/church voice?

6)      THINKING.

7)      Breathe out.

8)      Realize the crying toddlers behind them are less quiet and intrusive. And have the excuse of crying and being loud because they are toddlers. Their moms need to show them how to pop their ears.

9)      THINKING.

10)   Breathe in. Focus on the breath. Say it in my head. BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE.

11)   Is saying BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE just THINKING THINKING THINKING???

12)   I am SUCH a shitty Buddhist.

13)   Mr. Crossword Puzzle book keeps elbowing me in the stomach. Seriously. Dude. I’m not that big. GET BACK IN YOUR PERSONAL SPACE.

14)   Breathe in.

15)   4th time he has elbowed me.

16)   What? You’re counting now to hold a grudge? THINKING. Breathe out.

17)   No thanks, flight attendant, nothing to drink. But could you nut punch this guy for me?

18)   Breathe IN IN IN.

19)   5th elbowing. And the answer to 3 down is “order”…don’t do crossword puzzles, you suck at them.

20)   Breathe out.

21)   Is that even Swedish? I have no clue. Library voice, dammit!

22)   THINKING!

23)   6th elbowing.

24)   Breathe in. Breathe out.

25)   I have so many emails to answer tomorrow.

26)   Elbow. Seriously?  How can you not tell you keep jabbing me?

27)   Focus on the breath. Does Pema have such problems?

28)   Contract emails first. I wonder if that check came in. And I need to make a grocery list.

29)   Seven. Eight. Nine. I WILL NUT PUNCH THIS MAN MYSELF.

30)   Breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. Is that the captain? Are we landing? Wow, meditation really helped!