Dear Intimacy Dr.,
My new partner is kinkier that I expected. I’m not complaining, tho! She likes the choking a lot and I’m scared I’m not doing it right. She says its great but she’s so much smaller than me, so I don’t know if I’m applying too much pressure. She won’t tell me to stop but I swear that gasp of air she takes in sounds like someone who’s just been revived. I don’t want to kill her! Can you help me out????
Dear Consider Choker:
So. Erotic asphyxiation. This is, simply, the deprivation of oxygen to the brain. Induced cerebral anoxia, if you’re nasty. That lack of oxygen can cause an extra sense of exhilaration (wheeeeeee!) that makes the orgasm more intense. You mentioned her breathing after you release, and that’s totally normal. And the reason that people who like erotic asphyxiation are called “gaspers.”
First of all, good on you. You’re down with what your partner likes and you want to make her happy. But you don’t want to, you know, actually murder her. Wikipedia points out that people have been charged when that’s happened. And the numbers aren’t as small as you’d think. MedicineNet.com notes that about 1000 people a year die from erotic (or autoerotic) asphysixation. So its bad for the relationship. And for future dating opportunities, I imagine.
So when people actually die from this, it usually NOT because their windpipe was crushed. It’s for the same reason that the Vulcan death grip (nerve pinch) is kinda legit. You’re targeting the vagus nerve through a point on the neck called the carotid body. The carotid artery runs down both sides of the throat, and the point where it forks (the aforementioned carotid body) has a cluster of chemoreceptors. These are specialized sensory receptor cells that respond to biological signals.
Pressure there causes a discharge from the vagus nerve that makes you pass out like Spock knocked out Captain Kirk to fool the Romulans into thinking he was dead.
And THEN going unconscious makes you go limp, right? So that actually makes your chokehold TIGHTER so circulation is decreased even MORE. It’s the lack of blood flow that causes death.
Just ask David Carradine.
So is there any fail safe way of not killing Bae? Nope. Choking someone out is inherently dangerous.
But there are things you can do to be a lot safer. You said she doesn’t ever tell you to stop. To be fair, talking probably doesn’t work so well at that time. She may also not have a good handle on what her limits are. Being a gasper is actually addictive as fuck. So first of all you need a non-verbal signal. Tap on the shoulder, whatevs.
I’d also suggest keeping a wedge of lemon or lime in her mouth. Autoerotic asphyxiators do the same thing. As she starts to pass own, her jaw will relax down and she will bite on the sharp citrus. That will help wake her up enough for her to safe signal you to release.
And let me know how that works for y’all!
Besitos y Limon,