Allyship in Action: Thoughts, Prayers, & BEHAVIORS

Note: This post was originally published as an article in the TALGBTIC newsletter, written as a response to questions from peers and allies within the mental health community after the Orlando shooting. It continues to apply in our day to day actions.

How many times have you seen someone profess allyship with no follow-through in their day to day interactions? Prayers and thoughts are always welcome, but love for others lies in our day to day behavior.

And I get it, I do, it can feel awkward to be supportive if you aren’t sure how. Do you attend the vigil you see posted on Facebook? Show up at a rally or meeting? Do you worry that you are gate crashing where you don’t belong? But I promise you this…professing your allyship with no follow-through is far more hurtful then bumbling a bit in your allyship response. Here are some ideas to get started and get involved:

1. Remember that it is not the job of your friends and colleagues within the LGBT community to educate you. Have you ever found yourself shoved in the position of representing a whole culture? It’s like that. It’s exhausting to have to be the patient educator on a regular basis. Plus? You only represent your own experience, in the end. There are people out there that have accepted the challenge of educating their community. They write books and articles, hold workshops, utilize social media. Use them as your tools for learning more rather than expecting everyone around you to be your personal information source
   
2. If someone does take the time to education you, ESPECIALLY if they are correcting you, be grateful, humble, and thankful. And tell them that. It is an enormous act of bravery to say something like “Actually, I find that word offensive. Could you please use this one instead?” It isn’t in any way, shape, or form antagonistic or threatening. It is a way of saying “I trust you enough and feel safe enough with you to be vulnerable about my needs.” Being able to respond from the same vulnerable place, instead of being defensive, is how we start to change our culture. “I appreciate that you felt safe enough with me to tell me that, I’m happy to change what I was saying/doing.”
3. If you screw up? Own that too. Don’t make a big screaming deal out of it that draws attention to how hard you are trying. For example, a simple “Oh, excuse me, I meant she!” will suffice. Apologize, correct, move on. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over. Growth means making new, better, and more interesting mistakes, after all!
4. Use your strengths for the good of the community. Wear an #IllGoWithYou button so individuals who need an ally in the bathroom know they can approach you. Have a pride sticker or poster or flag in your workspace so people know you are safe space. Offer to walk people to their car. Support LGBT businesses, support community fundraiser events. Show up, show up, show up. Just like an AA meeting, don’t presume you are welcome at events that are advertised as closed events, but please be involved in any other events where  LGBT community members have risked their own safety to open their doors to the rest of us.
5. Be present, be available, but don’t take over. Do not speak for a community unless you are asked to. Don’t say you understand someone’s experience when you cannot. Don’t push your support or your own agenda. Offer your assistance, if it is declined, respect that but leave the door open to help in the future. With everything going on, it may be that people don’t even know what help they need. Or they may not be sure they can trust the help you extend. Be patient, stay present, and your voice will eventually be welcomed into the mix.